Saturday, May 22, 2010

Words of Wisdom

I work with a 16-year-old kid, whom I've already written about. Despite his young age, he's filled with much wisdom. And by wisdom, I mean he's obsessed with sex.

He's said it to me, and now I'll say it to you. Enjoy.

Co-worker (CW): "Bitches owe me sex."

CW: "You know what you need to do?"
Me: "No"
CW: "You need to ask every girl who walks by you if she's single. That way you can do sexual stuff to her and not worry about her boyfriend."

CW: "You know what you should do? You should give me your shift next Friday, and use that time to have sex with your girlfriend."
Me: "My girlfriend is away that weekend."
CW: "You should buy a fleshlight then. Then you can give me your shift and have sex anyway."

CW: "I want a really long dick. That way I can sleep with many girls at once."
Me: "I don't think it works like that."
CW: "Yes it will. My dick will be curvy, like a serpent."
Me: "That makes no sense."
CW: "Yes it does. Think about it."

CW: "I'm going to have sex everyday, as much as I can."
Me: "You'll eventually need a break."
CW: "Why?"
Me: "Rugburn."
CW: "I'll plow through the pain."

CW: "The first time I have sex I'm going to bang the girl for 2 straight hours."
Me: "It doesn't work like that."
CW: "I'll make it work like that."

CW: "Want to go MILF-hunting?"
Me: "Okay. Where are we going? Playground?"
CW: "Why a playground?"
Me: "Do you know what a MILF is?"
CW: "No."
Me: "It's a Mother I'd Like to Fuck."
CW: "So a GILF?"
Me: "Grandmother."
CW: "Awesome! [Turns to another co-worker.] Wanna go GILF-hunting?"

CW: "Dude, do you know how you pick up Arab women? You tell them, 'Baby, your pussy is like the ocean, and my dick is a submarine. A submarine has to be in the ocean.' "
Me: "That's ridiculous."
CW #2: "You're essentially telling her that she has a huge pussy and you have a tiny dick."
CW: "It's sexier when you say it in Arabic. It works. Trust me."

CW: "I want to convince my girlfriend to go to a digger party."
Me: "What's a digger party?"
CW: "A gang-bang."
Me: "She's not going to like that."
CW: "Why wouldn't she like it? She gets three different guys."
Me: "You are an idiot."